I spent a few hours (sort of) by myself yesterday. Alone in my head anyway, with only my cycling playlist to guide my thoughts. Quality stuff like Friendship Business and Switchfoot and others, which always give me insight that I totally I miss otherwise.
Yesterday, Switchfoot says to me "if it doesn't break your heart it isn't love".
"hmm ok, so this broken heart of mine that have been nursing since July 16th when I was dumped like an ugly prom date, is about love?"
"Why yes, Debbi, it is" said Switchfoot, (maybe Jesus was talking here too... not sure).
I knew it! I knew there was something very precious to me that had been lost, I thought it was 'the job'... but it wasn't. It has been the identity of love all along. I miss loving on my people. I have said it since the day I got the boot, and it is as real as it was on that day. I miss them like family, just torn out of my life like a divorce or something really nasty, ugly and painful.
It hurts so bad, because it was love. Ok... simple I know, but clarifying.
My patients downtown have often told me that they love me. I always said back, "I love you too". Robin and I always thought that they said it because they needed to hear us say it back. I have found that I miss loving them so much. I miss being a person that makes the difference in their life. I miss telling them how precious and valued they are by caring for them, like no one has in a long time, or maybe forever. I miss praying with them and all the hugs! That was such a significant part of my life for so long and I have not had an easy time letting it go.
Understanding this love that God shared with me, and I am to share with the world is simple, yet complex... because it involves that darn human element that is full of emotion and words that can't be taken back once they have been spoken. Events happen and change the course of a situation and people that have limited understanding but can altar outcomes surely impact they way things shake out. But a few things do not change.
#1. You can't think about love without thinking about forgiveness.
I have forgiven you P.T. I know this has probably not kept you up at night, but it has me and I gotta move on. Finding the things about this job loss to let go and the things I want to keep with me forever has been a struggle. It is easier to be offended and angry and hit back... oh man, do I want to! But that does not feel right, so I choose love, and by this, forgiveness.
#2 God has always taken care of me. He does not change. I trust him, with this and all things precious to me. I know he is working in my life and in the lives of those that I pray for.
#3 I can take some time to focus, get my eyes squared on God again and move on. I have done it before and know I can do this again. Living a life pleasing to God is a process, that is why they call it a walk... and there is something to be learned in every step. I am learning so much about myself, about God and about who I am right now. Not all pretty, but true nonetheless.
I am humbly thanking God daily that I have a healthy family, and we love and support each other like crazy. Thankful that I have a strong church and amazing Pastors and friends all around me. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful new job, working with talented and blessed people and precious new patients.
I still have a big bandaid on the front of my heart, not planning on ripping it off anytime soon... but know that the brokenness is starting to heal from the inside out and God is making it something beautiful in me, that he can use for his purpose. What a relief.
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.
Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Phil 4:6
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